Admitting Defeat

One of the hardest things in life is to admit that you made a mistake – to admit failure, admit defeat.

At the end of October last year, I was offered a job as Walkabout Trainer with Clever Canines in Calgary. It was, I thought, my dream job – spending 5 days a week working with dogs in the outdoors – something I had always wanted to do. Except things didn’t quite turn out the way I had hoped.

I guess I should have recognised the signs in the first few weeks. I was working 6am until 6pm with no lunch break, and with 4 hours of corporate training twice a week for the first month or so, I was spending something like 16 hours a day at work. I was neglecting my family, neglecting my friends, and even my running was starting to suffer as I found myself doing my scheduled strength sessions and training runs on the treadmill at midnight, just to make sure I didn't lose any fitness. 

Despite the long hours, I was absolutely loving being with the dogs and seeing their different personalities, getting to know them and their quirky habits. I figured that the long hours were just a temporary thing whilst I was a trainee, and yet when I became a fully fledged Walkabout Trainer, the long days continued. I found that I couldn't make plans for evenings or weekends as I never knew what time I would be finishing, nor whether I would be called to mandatory team meetings on a weekend despite me having already made other plans. In all honesty, I was starting to feel that my life was no longer my own and I was living and breathing nothing but Clever Canines.

I think the real doubts started just before Christmas when I was having a wonderful walk with 10 of the dogs up on Nose Hill. It’s a huge off-leash area, not too busy and great for walking a pack of dogs on a sunny, wintry afternoon. The problem is it’s also a wildlife haven for animals such as deer, hares, coyotes and dreaded porcupine, and with Wilson having had a close encounter with the latter last year, I was always conscious that it could happen to somebody else’s dog that was in my care whilst I was working. Needless to say, when I saw 5 of the dogs excitedly heading over to the nearby bushes, my heart sank as I knew exactly what had happened.

Poor Charlie. He was such a sorry sight, his front legs full of porcupine quills whilst a few had gone into his chest and around his face. I was alone on Nose Hill, not a soul in sight, with a dog that was clearly in pain and 9 others that were still keen to investigate the critter lurking in the bushes.

That incident got me thinking – did I really want to be responsible for 20 dogs every day, that don’t belong to me, that are off-leash at various locations around the city of Calgary under my care, with risks from wildlife, or busy main roads, or frozen lakes or rivers, or fights with other dogs that belong to members of the general public that are perfectly entitled to use those same parks that I’m using? I started to doubt my ability at keeping these dogs safe, I started to get paranoid that something more serious would happen, I found that I was having sleepless nights worrying about things, and I knew that with the added frustration of long days and the huge impact on my personal life, I desperately wanted out.

The much needed Christmas break gave me the perfect opportunity to put Clever Canines to the back of mind and to catch up with friends, and spend some time with my OWN dogs. I’d missed Wilson and Brandy so much and it felt so strange being around them and life being so much easier. We headed up to Lake Louise and did a bit of ice skating, we went shopping, we had friends visiting, we went to the movies, and I ran outdoors with my fantastic friends Glady and Michelle and others who I had missed immensely, doing a couple of trail runs at Fish Creek and along McLean Creak Road in K-Country.

New Years Day was excellent as a group of us, along with Wilson, headed up Prairie Mountain at 6am to catch the first sun rise of 2015. Being in such fabulous company made me realise how much I was missing the company of others – chatting about their adventures and sharing stories, having fun in the snow on the way up and down the mountain, laughing, taking pictures and making happy memories – I was missing this so desperately.

New Year's Day fun :-)

Prairie Mountain - catching the first sunrise on New Years Day

By the time I was due back in work, I was feeling far more rested, far happier and relaxed, and my positive attitude had returned – I was going to make a go of things as a dog trainer! But yet again, 2 days into the new year back at work, we had another close encounter with the porcupine. The dogs had found the burrow and I saw the poor animal backing into the hole trying to get away from the pack of dogs that were curiously trying to get at it. Throwing the backpack at the dogs in an attempt to distract them, it worked momentarily but they soon went back and I ended up hurling myself across the ground into the bushes in an attempt to grab the dogs and drag them away.

Thankfully there were no casualties on this occasion, but once again it knocked my confidence – I’m supposed to have control of these dogs, I’m supposed to protect them, and yet dog being dogs, when their prey drive kicks in no matter what you do, there really is no stopping them. 

That same week, I saw a couple of coyotes wandering along the path just a couple of hundred yards away from us. I’d recently heard that another dog walker had lost one of the dogs in her care to a coyote on Nose Hill only a couple of months ago, but thankfully I had already leashed mine, although they still spotted the coyotes and I was battered and bruised as they all frantically tried to go off in pursuit of this strange looking dog. 

It really did get me thinking and the doubts once again started to emerge – did I really want to carry on with this job? Sure, there are risks with anything and that's the chance we take, but did I really want to be the one to tell an owner that their dog had had an accident, or something even more sinister? No I didn't. I was also starting to feel frustrated again that the working day was still not getting any shorter,  and I was starting losing contact with the outside world again. The negative thoughts were returning, I knew I was seeking an escape route, but I was still finding it difficult to admit defeat and continued to convince myself that the next week would be better.

That weekend, I did a cross country race and it was fantastic to see Alan, Kim and Adam, and all the other familiar faces that bring comfort to me in the running community. Running helps to clear the mind, it helps me to gather my thoughts and get high on endorphines, and I always feel far more positive and focused after a good hard race.

The event was at Nose Creek, not particularly hilly and quite a nice course despite the deep, soft snow which made things hard work in places. Despite everything, I actually had a pretty good run and felt really fit and strong, finishing closer to some of the leading ladies than I had done at previous races which gave me a boost of confidence in terms of my running. On the Sunday, we took Wilson and Brandy for a run in K-country again with some good friends – but there was still a shadow hanging over me as I knew that I had to go to work the following day and all the anxieties and doubts started to resurface once again.

Strangely enough, I did have a couple of really nice walks last week but even so, after yet more mishaps completely beyond my control, I was finding it difficult to stay calm and by midweek, I found myself almost at breaking point whilst sitting on the top of Nose Hill surrounded by dogs that were clearly confused by my behaviour yet stayed by my side.

On Friday, I left my employment at Clever Canines, and the relief I felt as I walked out of the door is very hard to explain. I had finally admitted defeat – finally admitted failure – finally admitted that my dream job was actually my worst nightmare and that I had made a mistake thinking otherwise. Was it the employer that had made things stressful? Was it me setting my standards and expectations too high? Was it just simply that I value life and time with family and friends more important than any job, and I resented the control they had over my life? Does it really matter now?

I got home on Friday just as the sun was setting and I took Wilson and Brandy for their usual evening walk around the Mahogany Wetlands. The setting sun made the snow a beautiful golden colour, Wilson and Brandy were running around having so much fun, and as I looked up, I saw and heard hundreds of Canada Geese flying westwards into the sunset. It made me a little emotional – I hadn’t seen the sunset for so long, I hadn’t walked my own dogs in the daylight for almost 2 months, and it felt like I hadn’t had the opportunity to observe the world around and see its beauty for a while.

That evening, I went to the Saddledome to see Bryan Adams with Michelle and it was so nice to be able to relax, have a laugh and be around friends without worrying about things. I went to bed feeling happy and relieved for the first time in a while, and after 10 hours of unbroken sleep, I awoke to a beautiful blue sky day. I once again walked to the dog park with Wilson and Brandy and I noticed the skyline of downtown Calgary in the distance and the beautiful snow capped Rocky Mountains in all their splendour on the horizon to the west – I felt alive again at last.

Of course, I no longer have a job but what I do have is time for my family, time for my friends, and time to enjoy life. I know I can plan weekends away again without having to ask for permission, I know I can race whenever I want without having to request time off, I know that I can be myself again – that happy go lucky, positive thinking person that I usually am. I realise now that whilst I love and adore dogs and am fascinated by animals of any kind, I don't need anymore in my life as my time is - and always will be - committed to my own - Wilson, Brandy, Spud and Khayman are all that I need, and yes, I'm content with that. I also know that new adventures lie ahead in our personal lives in the not too distant future, but I’ll save that for another time….we may be in mid-January, but 2015 is still going to be a great year – watch this space :-)

The two most important dogs to me! xxxx